Nipponica

Three thousand, nine hundred and thirty days ago I ended my life.

The way I told this part of my story up until now was that I was bored, wanted to see the world, or just did not see a path forward in life. All true but not the truth. The real reason I decided to end things was much more basic. I just needed to run.

The most important part of becoming an adult is writing your own user manual. We are all machines with roughly the same basic functions and mechanisms inside the case. But our software can vary widely. As children, teenagers, and young adults each of us is a beta tester for our own stack, learning what works, what to avoid, and what needs further development.

By the time we approach the end of this testing period and release ourselves into genpop, we all should have a good idea of how to operate our machines. At least that is the ideal. What seems to be more common is that the less curious among us just fork the template manual and release that with their name written on the cover in crayon. And, to be fair, that works for those who do not deviate far from the spec.

The author is a deviant.

During the process of composing of my own manual, I quickly realized that the template was not a friend. Like anyone who knows nothing, I started following it as that was what I was supposed to do (right?). But every time I followed the standard procedure, I felt miserable, trapped, and always wanting for a life that I was not living. Was this normal?

My instinct was to throw a cartoon bomb into the world I was chained to and escape into the black void that the explosion would expose in the façade of life. But there was nothing about cartoon bombs and personal terrorism in the template.

• Should I trust the procedure or myself?
• Should I follow the steps or run into the abyss?

We all ask these questions at some point in our lives and the choice we make will determine the path we take. After a lot of stress, deliberation, and strife, I chose to disregard the template and make my own way. I chose to run.

• Dead-end Job: quit.
• Finances: shambles.
• Friends & family: alienated & confused.
• Prospects: bleak.
• Future: unknown.

It was an insane thing to do. Even from my position further down the timeline, it was a gamble that had very little chance of paying off. But it did. More about that down the line.

But this decision solidified a key procedure I wrote into my manual from then on: self destruction is necessary. When given a chance to tear everything to the ground and run, always choose to run. It doesn’t always work out, but when it does, it is life-changing. The safe path may lead to certain comforts, but solving for comfort in the equation of life rarely creates anything worth living for.

Run. Always run.

I am writing this weblog’s first post in a chain mermaid-based coffee dispensary in my adoptive hometown of Tsukuba in Ibaraki Prefecture. My compatriots in this particular caffeine trap house are the usual mix of students and the elderly that inhabit this city, taking a quiet minute to avoid what they fear most about the future. I am here mostly out of habit as this is one place that I found in my own beta that I can focus on creative pursuits and actually get something done. The drugs are secondary.

This weblog is to be something that I wish I had when I first thought of replanting myself in this strange land. Not as a user manual for Japan (you got to write that yourself) but as a guide for what is happening here beyond the myth handed to you as you deplane. Many people that I know that have come here and gone just bounce off the cultural atmosphere and fly back into the comfortable blackness without going through the effort of making a proper landing. Part of that is laziness (not wanting to write your manual) but part of it is being overwhelmed by the difficulty of understanding the basics of this world. Language is a major hurdle. As is comprehending and translating the norms of society. Finding your first step is often the hardest part. This is where I think I can help.

Nipponica is not going to hold your hand to understand Japan as I am still working on that myself three thousand, nine hundred and thirty days into my own voyage. But what Nipponica can do is to catalog my journey and present it to you, the reader. I will post links to news I find interesting and occasionally write longer pieces like this where I try to make a larger point. My success may vary.

So here we are. 走ろう。